Why I stopped giving a damn!

You all must have definitely heard this most annoying, mythical, popular and a cliche phrase. It goes this way, “my life, my rules”. When I said mythical, believe me, it’s true. How many of us are actually living our own life, where judgements of others doesn’t matter to us in any way? None! And I am not different from others.

I was always comfortable in my own skin and body before people made me realise that I have to lose some weight. Maybe, they were right. But their reasons were not enough to convince a  person like me, strong-headed and straightforward. Their reasons were equally funny like, my belly is unusually big and girls don’t look with stomach fat.

Some said that in order to appear beautiful, I have to lose some weight. I don’t know what made me believe everyone but finally I was convinced. I was convinced that belly fat made me look ugly. I desperately started losing weight with exercises and my limits were crossed when I began to consume less food.

No, I was not starving myself but still I had lessen my intake against the wishes of my own body. I started cursing myself for being carrying a pot belly and not fitting into clothes I felt would make me look perfect. But slowly, I began to have a certain feeling that I was not at all happy with what I was doing.

I questioned myself. WAS I LOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE OTHERS FEEL SO? OR WAS I LOSING WEIGHT THINKING ABOUT THE NEGATIVE HEALTH EFFECTS IN FUTURE?

I had my answer and quickly jumped into reality. I sensed shame and embarrassment on my own self to have fallen prey to non-sense judgements of people who I don’t even know.

So I finally decided that, I cannot let others define my beauty. I won’t let other people to make me feel unwanted and unworthy. There’s no such thing called a ‘perfect body’ and no one has the right to decide what’s best for my body. That’s when I decided to stop giving a damn!

Hey beautiful, stop giving a damn!

You must be thinking that, I’ve stopped exercising. No, I’ve not. Earlier, I used to work-out for other people out there who have already forgotten what the told me and now are doing fine in their own lives. Now, I exercise for me. Not because I want to lose weight to have that slender and slim figure. But, I prefer to have a healthy body in present and future.

I want everyone to know that you are unique and beautiful in your own way. You are not defined by your body size but by your dreams, goals, ambitions, character, honesty and these should actually matter.

Remember, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

  It feels great to be your true self!

PS: I was greatly inspired by the TED talk featuring supermodel Ashley Graham.

Tales of a dreamer #13

The Final Tale

TODAY, 22/04/2017

It has been a year and my writings are being printed almost every month in the magazine. Actually, it has become more of a mandatory thing. And the appreciation and encouragement from my fellow students, friends, the professors are increasing day- by- day. 

Some also say that the protagonist in my poems and stories are always determined, tenacious, courageous, resilient and strong-headed. Some also find inspiration from my characters. Writing, which was my way of escaping from reality, was now teaching me to live life.

My senior friend completed his third and last year at the college. He has already left to seek admissions in one of the prestigious universities away from home and me. 

I felt bad about this but realised that it would be best for him. That’s what friends are for me, to be supportive and motivating. I still have a year to complete and after having walked hand-in-hand with him, now it was time to find my own way. 

You must be thinking, that did I fell in love with him? How can anyone not fall in love with the person who constantly stays by your side through thick and this, someone who helps you to find the correct path, someone who becomes your bedrock and shield. 

I doubted, whether I would be ever able to find another best friend again? I am glad to finally get one. This year on Mother’s Day, I didn’t write any letter to my mom, instead I tore all the earlier ones. 

I went straightaway to my mom and told her all those things which I always wanted to. I told her that, she was the most beautiful person in this world, that she is my only precious gem and that I love her more than myself and anyone else. 

Saying those words, I hugged her tight. I felt like the burden of hundreds of rocks was finally relieved from my shoulders. To Dad, I just smiled. I think there was nothing more left between us. Some things would never change.

I cannot bring back all the years from my past but regretting over them will only lessen the happiness of the present and future. I realised that it was always easy to at least try to overcome the obstacles, instead of just bragging about them.

 I realised that it was not impossible to triumph over your fears and insecurities. I also realised that people who genuinely love and care about you, would always be there by your side. And the most important thing, only you are responsible for your happiness and no one else.

I looked up at the sky and saw the cotton-like clouds flowing gently along with the cool breeze. That slight golden sparkle of the sun glistening through the tiny pores of the white clouds and the sight of the birds flying their way back home in a perfect rhythm and sync, was marvelling. The swaying wind brushed past my face, making my hair dance to their mellifluous music. 

A wave of sheer tranquillity passed throughout my entire body. I closed my eyes in calmness and hoped that this continues for ever. That’s when I realised, what it actually feels like to live every moment without letting your inner enemy steal it away from you.

Wait, this is not the end. This is a beginning.

It’s the beginning of everything bright and beautiful!

Life is all about falling hard and rising again, stronger than ever!

Tales of a dreamer #12

Learning to dream

I was once going through the magazine of my college, which gets published every month. The pages of the magazine were opulent of emotions and dreams of the people, who always dared to give themselves a chance. Who never feared to dream and tried to live for them. Oh! How I wish to be like them.

Everything seemed to be just fine until I reached on the last page. What I saw left me completely baffled and I could believe my eyes. My poem had been printed on the last page, with my name written in bold. I remembered, that I had not given my poems to anyone. So how come it could feature in the magazine?

Just then, a thought tickled my mind. Someone thought that I was an amazing writer. Someone wanted me to let my poems reach the world. Someone was propelling me to finally take a flight. I knew, who was it!

After my poem featured in the magazine, my life changed drastically. People started recognising and appreciating my writing abilities. Students who never ever had spoke to me, came forward with wide smile and said that they loved my poem. And some also requested me to publish one every month.

Honestly. all the praises and applauds were slowly boosting my confidence. I could totally sense that, the girl who went missing after the 4th grade was now coming back.

That day at home, after returning from college I straightaway went to my bedroom and locked the door. I pot my hand under the bed and pulled out the box which were the safe abode to my poems. The poems with deep thoughts, unfathomable emotions, living in recluse. There I was, gathering all the guts to let the out from the confinement after having choked for so many years. I decided to overcome my fears and if I lose today, I would never be able to walk with pride.

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #11

Acceptance.

Meeting my senior friend in college was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Having suffered from anxiety before turned him into a sensitive, sensible and caring toward feelings of others. That’s what made him a beautiful human being. 

He was the one who made me realize that, I was so foolish to ever think that people who genuinely cared for me wouldn’t understand my problems. That how I was only waxing my obstacles by not even trying to overcome them and find a way out of it. 

He turned my denial into acceptance and then eventually into my life goal. In order to live happier days, it was important that I let go the things that make me sad and lower my belief. 

Once while sitting in the canteen, I was writing a poem. Suddenly from nowhere he comes and grabs the paper from my hand.

I didn’t want him read it because my poems were only meant for me. They had to fulfill the destiny of trapping inside the box under my bed. So I chased​ him throughout the college, but I failed. Finally, I gave up and could do nothing but watch him read it.

After reading, I say his eyes getting moist. He came closer to me and said, “You are an amazing writer. The world should know about this”. Remember, how I never wanted anyone to know that I write. But thought that somebody would eventually find out my secret and spill the beans to the world. 

Was he supposed to do that? 

Was he the one?

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #10

Denial.

I sat across the window, gazing at the black stars-filled sky and a lonely moon flashing it’s luminisence on the barren surface. And all the memories came gushing back to me. The bitter memories that would always moisten my eyes. In no time, I was surrounded a vicious circle if ugly and hurtful memories. 

I thought about my time in school, when a guy made a derogatory remarks on my body and the others behind him erupted into a roar of laughter. How I wanted to bang his head on the wall but ended up crying and running out from the school building. 

When I parted ways with my best friend, I felt like a complete loner in this whole world but couldn’t muster the courage to go over to her and apologise. I wanted to tell everything to my ever concerned and caring mother, but even she was hounded by number of other problems that I just decided to back off. 

Once my parents had a fight and then it turned so ugly that we had to leave the house. Then once, I had locked up myself in my room and started throwing all the things around. But out of fear of being caught, I put everything back in the place. 

Its not that I had no one to talk to, but I always had a feeling that these people won’t understand may even find me whiny and irritating. Nobody would be able to absorb my emotions without judging me.

 I believed that you should never cry in front of others because that displays your weakness. This made me feel more disgusting. And I accepted everything as a part of my life. 

Today, when somebody was actually making a point to help pick up my shattered pieces, I shunned him away. Why I was living in such a denial?

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #9

Something unexpected!

A few years ago, I penned down a letter to my Mom on Mother’s Day. I wrote that she was the most beautiful woman on this earth, that she was my only precious gem, that I loved her more than I myself and anybody else. Unfortunately, I confined these on a blank page and tucked it in my poetry box. After that, I wrote many letters but never gave them to her. But after finishing every one of them, I would feel like running across the whole room, find her and hand over the letter.

The thing is, I always found it difficult to express my emotions openly to someone. This was something, that I was never proud of. 

Even my Dad was always apprehensive of expressing his feelings. He would always try to suppress and hide them from us. I never heard him say anything loving to me or caressing my back with care and affection. Or at least try to take interest in my life.

And the most important of all, I was turning into my Dad. That’s the last thing in this world that I would ever want to become. Not even the last! It was kind of scary that running from Dad the whole life actually made me more like him.

And this is the reason why I never loved him like a daughter should.  My Dad could never become my hero nor I could be his princess.  Honestly, I would be hurt everyday and always wished to go far away from him so that I don’t have to pretend things.

One day in college, I was stunned by something very unexpected. My senior friend made a surprising revelation. He confessed about having being suffered from anxiety in the past. At first, my heart fully went out to him. But later he said something that totally annoyed me.

He said that when he saw me at the stairs terrified, he wanted me to help out of this thing. He added that he finds me a little insecure and inferior when it came to dealing with other people.

Oh my God! He felt rueful for me. He befriended me because he thought, I need help. I felt like betrayal and a pang of anger hit on my head. That was disgusting.

I stormed out, furiously.

To be continued…



Tales of a dreamer #8

Can I hope for something good?

The last time I actually made a point to speak my heart-content to somebody, was never! I usually don’t bother to let anyone know what I feel because there’s always a feeling that they wont understand. They would never respect my feelings. Of course, I used to share everything with my once best friend but even she wouldn’t know my deepest thoughts. She could never find out what kind of battle I was fighting.

The struggle of forcefully putting up a bright smile when I want to cry, staying on course with the people around, having to put on a mask of pretending, she would never know. That was so difficult to even express. She knew about my family and always said that I was strong to cope up with everything. But I was not!

Well, this time at the college I was left astounded by my own actions. The guy who tried to help me and I was rude enough to blow him off, actually turned out to be my senior. He was cordial enough to confront me everyday, about how I was feeling. At first, I was cynical of the guy’s behaviour towards me his pleasant demure transformed my opinions about him. Also someone other than mom was being so concerned about me.

Gradually, we got into talking and he was the only one in the college who I can easily trust. He came with no complaints, no demands. Like school, I managed to make fewer friends in my own class. They were fun to hang out with but with him, it was totally different.

Once while chatting after a class, he questioned about that day. Honestly. I was surprised to know that he was still onto that episode. I quickly averted my eyes from him and hoped that he would drop the subject.

He kept asking me calmly and I don’t know what propelled me to tell him the truth. I told him that I was really scared. And then quickly ran towards the washroom. I hope he understood that I didn’t want the conversation to be dragged further.

At night while sleeping, I tried to recall what happened in the day earlier. I felt a sigh of relief having finally let out what was jumbling in my head for so long. And suddenly realised that, I should have told him everything.

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #7

Anxiety and the stranger

That night, I couldn’t convince myself to sleep. The dilemma was a result of two reasons. One; my mind was racing at a meteor speed with innumerable emotions at once, dashing each other and create tiny explosions. The only thing that was flashing in front of my eyes was the titanic building and my ear was booming with the screaming voices. 

Two; this was actually the most unique and unusual thing that happened with me. The angel’s​ pat, the one I had mentioned. That was the most attractive face, I had ever seen in very long time. 

He had intense brown eyes, with perfectly set charcoal-like hair, a pert nose and a stubble on his chin. He appeared as a strikingly good- looking person, though he was not so muscularly well- built. 

He offered me his hand to get up, but I sternly refused. He didn’t seemed to be pissed off by rude gesture and asked me if everything was fine. I nodded my head and just walked away briskly. 

As I was walking down the stairs, I could think of nothing but ways to get myself to enter the college without any nervous feelings. I found one serene place on the away from the commotion of the people around. 

I desperately wanted to run away from there, but a thought striked me hard. A thought that, how I had promised myself to shed this naivety and get rid of this anxiousness? How I was eager to start afresh and not regret at least my college years?

I got up quickly and made my way to the building. I finally took a deep breath entering the college and a sense of victory took over my fear. I smiled weakly and saw the same stranger gesturing me a thumbs-up from a little distance. 

To be continued…

Tales of dreamer #6

Anxiety 

A gripping sensation triggered throughout my whole body as I stepped onto the stairs of that massive structure. The previous night,  I was so excited as hell to begin a new life at the college, with a hope to give up all fears every day. 

Today, there I was, trembling and shuddering at the sight of uncanny faces all around, the mammoth building that looked like a giant, the strange voices screaming above my head. I even spotted some similar ones. 

Maybe, I saw a guy who used to body-shame me back in high school or that girl who always made fun of my hair. That’s when anxiety struck me like a bolt of lightning. 

I immediately sat down where I stood, trying hard to think of the things that would make me happy. Just then somebody patted on my back. It felt like a hand of an angel. I hesitantly turned back. 

That was the day, I met him and after this my life would never be the same again. 

Tales of a dreamer #5

A new world

Now that high school was officially over, I had to get pretty serious about some of the stuffs. That’s what my mom had said. We had a long conversation where she asked about what I was really interested in and the other career things. 

Did I tell her that, I want to be a writer?

Did I show her the collection of my poems, kept in a box, hidden under the bed?

No, I didn’t. See. That’s the problem with me. It’s the hardest thing for me to do. To actually speak up my mind and say whatever I genuinely feel. I had been like this for all my life, a pushover. 

Someone who always gets tangled between many emotions, getting hurt by nonsense judgements of people, caring and expecting too much from others. I had a feeling that these qualities made me a naive person. 

I am kind of a very arcane person. The people who claim to know me, actually they don’t. Getting back to mom, I eventually took up what my parents decided for me. Genuinely, I had no qualms in them taking my decisions. My dad’s opinions didn’t matter to me that much. 

Well, this time I was hoping that college will be much different from high school. I was eagerly looking forward to step into a drastically new world, with new people around and my dreams tucked away safely in my pocket. 

To be continued…