Unpredictable: when life surprises you

Raman is sitting on the front porch of his house. It looks like he is engaged in some kind of deep thought, with onr hand on his cheek and biting the nails off the fingers of the other one. 

Today, the weather is somewhat resplendent as compared to other days. A little ahead of his house. some boys are playing cricket with their usual screaming and chatters. Also small kids are engaged in some kind of games and they were shouting on top of their voices.

But their chaos seems to be not enough to ruffle Raman’s pensive mood. He appears to be very nervous as his legs are trembling in an uncontrollable rhythm. 
Raman’s family was fed up of his carefree attitude in life and seldom found him taking interest in studies. He would often bunk classes and his short-tempered nature was the matter of concern for his parents. 

But he was one charming boy. In spite of all this, he never hurt his parents. Kind and helpful, Raman was everyone’s favourite. People always raved about his helping nature. 

Raman is still engaged in deep thinking. Just then, a familiar voice broke his concentration. “Ma wants you to come in” said his kid brother. “I’ve packed your lunch. Please try to eat it in time” his mother says in concern. Raman replies in an assuring tone, “I will, Ma. I should leave now. See you at evening” 

He turns towards his two kid brothers and gives them a peck on their soft cheeks. The boys hug him back and bid goodbye. As Raman leaves the house, tears welled down the cheeks of his mother, who is witnessing the tiny shoulders of his 16-year old son getting burdened with responsibilities. 

She goes inside the house and takes a glance at a garlanded picture and breaks down. Her two sons, both aged 4 and 5 respectively, watch their mother in bewilderment not knowing how to react. 

Two months ago, her husband died after losing a prolonged battle with cancer. Leaving behind heaps of responsibilities on her and his carefree young son, Raman.

Healing

I split opened all my wounds before you,

Incredulously, I even let you explore,

Explore the darkest chambers of my ruptured heart,

Then, you caressed my every scar,

Gently walked through my clandestine past,

I felt the chaos in my ocean calming down,

I felt the shackles uncoiling​, slowly

I felt my wings catching a flight,

And then all the grotty wounds began to heal, one by one

Making me realise that, people who truly love you, 

Would never try to scrape your scars,

But heal them, until they finally disappear.


Beyond that smile

It was another beautiful day. Clear blue sky, chirping birds, brownish-red leaves spread across the ground, whistling cool gentle wind and the huge golden sun. It’s rays were dazzling the waters of the pond making it appear as if there are tiny diamonds floating. 

Some people were running for work while some were simply jogging. The olderly were serenely sitting on the benches while some were playing with their puppies. One of the joggers was Sara, a 26-year old single mother who lost her beloved husband 3 months ago in a car accident. She works as a 5th grade teacher at a local school.

Jamal was running late for work. He has been working at the law firm for the past 5 years and is always described by his bosses as the loyal, honest and a dedicative employee. But recently he has been irregular to work and sometimes he doesn’t even make it. Actually, Jamal’s 10-year old daughter was diagnosis with cancer 2 months ago and he is doing his best to ensure her well-being​. However, he is finding it difficult to juggle work and taking care of his lovely daughter. 

The senior citizen sitting on the bench is 70-year old Kishan. He often comes for a stroll in the park and stays there for hours. And then heads back to his abode, the home for elderly. Two years back, Kishan’s son left falsely him at the old-age home with promise that he would come back later. Kishan still awaits for his son to return. 

Every single person in this world has a story. Every one is struggling to survive against all odds of life. Some are fathomable while some are simply insurmountable. 

We would never know what a person hides behind that beaming smile or the twinkling eyes! Not all smiling people are always happy. Some know to pretend better while some are never able to hold what’s troubling them inside. 

So before we ever judge or speak ill of any one, just know that the person must be going through hell. That person might be struggling everyday to find  courage to live in this world. At the end of the day, the person chooses to survive and conquer. 

Why I stopped giving a damn!

You all must have definitely heard this most annoying, mythical, popular and a cliche phrase. It goes this way, “my life, my rules”. When I said mythical, believe me, it’s true. How many of us are actually living our own life, where judgements of others doesn’t matter to us in any way? None! And I am not different from others.

I was always comfortable in my own skin and body before people made me realise that I have to lose some weight. Maybe, they were right. But their reasons were not enough to convince a  person like me, strong-headed and straightforward. Their reasons were equally funny like, my belly is unusually big and girls don’t look with stomach fat.

Some said that in order to appear beautiful, I have to lose some weight. I don’t know what made me believe everyone but finally I was convinced. I was convinced that belly fat made me look ugly. I desperately started losing weight with exercises and my limits were crossed when I began to consume less food.

No, I was not starving myself but still I had lessen my intake against the wishes of my own body. I started cursing myself for being carrying a pot belly and not fitting into clothes I felt would make me look perfect. But slowly, I began to have a certain feeling that I was not at all happy with what I was doing.

I questioned myself. WAS I LOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE OTHERS FEEL SO? OR WAS I LOSING WEIGHT THINKING ABOUT THE NEGATIVE HEALTH EFFECTS IN FUTURE?

I had my answer and quickly jumped into reality. I sensed shame and embarrassment on my own self to have fallen prey to non-sense judgements of people who I don’t even know.

So I finally decided that, I cannot let others define my beauty. I won’t let other people to make me feel unwanted and unworthy. There’s no such thing called a ‘perfect body’ and no one has the right to decide what’s best for my body. That’s when I decided to stop giving a damn!

Hey beautiful, stop giving a damn!

You must be thinking that, I’ve stopped exercising. No, I’ve not. Earlier, I used to work-out for other people out there who have already forgotten what the told me and now are doing fine in their own lives. Now, I exercise for me. Not because I want to lose weight to have that slender and slim figure. But, I prefer to have a healthy body in present and future.

I want everyone to know that you are unique and beautiful in your own way. You are not defined by your body size but by your dreams, goals, ambitions, character, honesty and these should actually matter.

Remember, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

  It feels great to be your true self!

PS: I was greatly inspired by the TED talk featuring supermodel Ashley Graham.

Tales of a dreamer #13

The Final Tale

TODAY, 22/04/2017

It has been a year and my writings are being printed almost every month in the magazine. Actually, it has become more of a mandatory thing. And the appreciation and encouragement from my fellow students, friends, the professors are increasing day- by- day. 

Some also say that the protagonist in my poems and stories are always determined, tenacious, courageous, resilient and strong-headed. Some also find inspiration from my characters. Writing, which was my way of escaping from reality, was now teaching me to live life.

My senior friend completed his third and last year at the college. He has already left to seek admissions in one of the prestigious universities away from home and me. 

I felt bad about this but realised that it would be best for him. That’s what friends are for me, to be supportive and motivating. I still have a year to complete and after having walked hand-in-hand with him, now it was time to find my own way. 

You must be thinking, that did I fell in love with him? How can anyone not fall in love with the person who constantly stays by your side through thick and this, someone who helps you to find the correct path, someone who becomes your bedrock and shield. 

I doubted, whether I would be ever able to find another best friend again? I am glad to finally get one. This year on Mother’s Day, I didn’t write any letter to my mom, instead I tore all the earlier ones. 

I went straightaway to my mom and told her all those things which I always wanted to. I told her that, she was the most beautiful person in this world, that she is my only precious gem and that I love her more than myself and anyone else. 

Saying those words, I hugged her tight. I felt like the burden of hundreds of rocks was finally relieved from my shoulders. To Dad, I just smiled. I think there was nothing more left between us. Some things would never change.

I cannot bring back all the years from my past but regretting over them will only lessen the happiness of the present and future. I realised that it was always easy to at least try to overcome the obstacles, instead of just bragging about them.

 I realised that it was not impossible to triumph over your fears and insecurities. I also realised that people who genuinely love and care about you, would always be there by your side. And the most important thing, only you are responsible for your happiness and no one else.

I looked up at the sky and saw the cotton-like clouds flowing gently along with the cool breeze. That slight golden sparkle of the sun glistening through the tiny pores of the white clouds and the sight of the birds flying their way back home in a perfect rhythm and sync, was marvelling. The swaying wind brushed past my face, making my hair dance to their mellifluous music. 

A wave of sheer tranquillity passed throughout my entire body. I closed my eyes in calmness and hoped that this continues for ever. That’s when I realised, what it actually feels like to live every moment without letting your inner enemy steal it away from you.

Wait, this is not the end. This is a beginning.

It’s the beginning of everything bright and beautiful!

Life is all about falling hard and rising again, stronger than ever!

Tales of a dreamer #12

Learning to dream

I was once going through the magazine of my college, which gets published every month. The pages of the magazine were opulent of emotions and dreams of the people, who always dared to give themselves a chance. Who never feared to dream and tried to live for them. Oh! How I wish to be like them.

Everything seemed to be just fine until I reached on the last page. What I saw left me completely baffled and I could believe my eyes. My poem had been printed on the last page, with my name written in bold. I remembered, that I had not given my poems to anyone. So how come it could feature in the magazine?

Just then, a thought tickled my mind. Someone thought that I was an amazing writer. Someone wanted me to let my poems reach the world. Someone was propelling me to finally take a flight. I knew, who was it!

After my poem featured in the magazine, my life changed drastically. People started recognising and appreciating my writing abilities. Students who never ever had spoke to me, came forward with wide smile and said that they loved my poem. And some also requested me to publish one every month.

Honestly. all the praises and applauds were slowly boosting my confidence. I could totally sense that, the girl who went missing after the 4th grade was now coming back.

That day at home, after returning from college I straightaway went to my bedroom and locked the door. I pot my hand under the bed and pulled out the box which were the safe abode to my poems. The poems with deep thoughts, unfathomable emotions, living in recluse. There I was, gathering all the guts to let the out from the confinement after having choked for so many years. I decided to overcome my fears and if I lose today, I would never be able to walk with pride.

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #11

Acceptance.

Meeting my senior friend in college was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Having suffered from anxiety before turned him into a sensitive, sensible and caring toward feelings of others. That’s what made him a beautiful human being. 

He was the one who made me realize that, I was so foolish to ever think that people who genuinely cared for me wouldn’t understand my problems. That how I was only waxing my obstacles by not even trying to overcome them and find a way out of it. 

He turned my denial into acceptance and then eventually into my life goal. In order to live happier days, it was important that I let go the things that make me sad and lower my belief. 

Once while sitting in the canteen, I was writing a poem. Suddenly from nowhere he comes and grabs the paper from my hand.

I didn’t want him read it because my poems were only meant for me. They had to fulfill the destiny of trapping inside the box under my bed. So I chased​ him throughout the college, but I failed. Finally, I gave up and could do nothing but watch him read it.

After reading, I say his eyes getting moist. He came closer to me and said, “You are an amazing writer. The world should know about this”. Remember, how I never wanted anyone to know that I write. But thought that somebody would eventually find out my secret and spill the beans to the world. 

Was he supposed to do that? 

Was he the one?

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #10

Denial.

I sat across the window, gazing at the black stars-filled sky and a lonely moon flashing it’s luminisence on the barren surface. And all the memories came gushing back to me. The bitter memories that would always moisten my eyes. In no time, I was surrounded a vicious circle if ugly and hurtful memories. 

I thought about my time in school, when a guy made a derogatory remarks on my body and the others behind him erupted into a roar of laughter. How I wanted to bang his head on the wall but ended up crying and running out from the school building. 

When I parted ways with my best friend, I felt like a complete loner in this whole world but couldn’t muster the courage to go over to her and apologise. I wanted to tell everything to my ever concerned and caring mother, but even she was hounded by number of other problems that I just decided to back off. 

Once my parents had a fight and then it turned so ugly that we had to leave the house. Then once, I had locked up myself in my room and started throwing all the things around. But out of fear of being caught, I put everything back in the place. 

Its not that I had no one to talk to, but I always had a feeling that these people won’t understand may even find me whiny and irritating. Nobody would be able to absorb my emotions without judging me.

 I believed that you should never cry in front of others because that displays your weakness. This made me feel more disgusting. And I accepted everything as a part of my life. 

Today, when somebody was actually making a point to help pick up my shattered pieces, I shunned him away. Why I was living in such a denial?

To be continued…

Tales of a dreamer #9

Something unexpected!

A few years ago, I penned down a letter to my Mom on Mother’s Day. I wrote that she was the most beautiful woman on this earth, that she was my only precious gem, that I loved her more than I myself and anybody else. Unfortunately, I confined these on a blank page and tucked it in my poetry box. After that, I wrote many letters but never gave them to her. But after finishing every one of them, I would feel like running across the whole room, find her and hand over the letter.

The thing is, I always found it difficult to express my emotions openly to someone. This was something, that I was never proud of. 

Even my Dad was always apprehensive of expressing his feelings. He would always try to suppress and hide them from us. I never heard him say anything loving to me or caressing my back with care and affection. Or at least try to take interest in my life.

And the most important of all, I was turning into my Dad. That’s the last thing in this world that I would ever want to become. Not even the last! It was kind of scary that running from Dad the whole life actually made me more like him.

And this is the reason why I never loved him like a daughter should.  My Dad could never become my hero nor I could be his princess.  Honestly, I would be hurt everyday and always wished to go far away from him so that I don’t have to pretend things.

One day in college, I was stunned by something very unexpected. My senior friend made a surprising revelation. He confessed about having being suffered from anxiety in the past. At first, my heart fully went out to him. But later he said something that totally annoyed me.

He said that when he saw me at the stairs terrified, he wanted me to help out of this thing. He added that he finds me a little insecure and inferior when it came to dealing with other people.

Oh my God! He felt rueful for me. He befriended me because he thought, I need help. I felt like betrayal and a pang of anger hit on my head. That was disgusting.

I stormed out, furiously.

To be continued…