When I was 10, everyday I used to look out of my window at the sky. It was always blue, sometimes covered with a fog of clouds. Especially, I loved the colours of sunsets.
At night I counted the sheet of stars and watched the airplanes flying by. To me, they were shooting stars. It was my own little Universe.
But then, some people erected massive structures right in front of my window, taller, almost touching the sky.
I could no longer see the floating clouds or the airplanes passing through them. I couldn’t see the moon changing it’s phases with grace.
I think that’s what I did with myself too. I built a wall on all my sides, barring everyone to come in. I was used to the darkness, always.
I know if I had let you in, you would have dragged me into the light but the idea of scanning the sky with those stars again, scared me. I was scared that it will all be taken away from me again.
So, I decided to be that kid behind the window forever. And I am happy that you let me go.
Ten years from now, when I’ll have the best job in the world and would be sitting in a cafe drinking my usual cup of tea, I’ll think about you.
Damn it! I’ll think about you every minute of my life.
And thank you for stopping by me in this whole Universe. I’ll thank you for holding me, when I needed the most. I’ll thank you for being a part of the memories that I am gonna cherish forever. Until death.
I’ll thank you for seeing my inner self. I’ll thank you for making me feel deserving of every love and happiness of the world. I’ll thank you for changing me as a person.
I was a mystery locked away in the oblivion. I’ll thank you for finally discovering me. Even while writing this letter, you are in my heart, my mind, everywhere. I’ll remember you always.
Yesterday, I told him about you. I told him about the day we first met. I told him about the day, we ran away from the Christmas party to be somewhere peaceful and had our own slow dance under the moonlight.
I told him about the day, we fought with each other only because you said that Friends sucks. I told him about the day, you wiped my tears before planting a kiss on my lips. And how in that moment, every wrong felt right.
The kiss didn’t take my breath away but made me feel safe.
What I didn’t tell him is that, I miss you. Everyday, I try to find you in him. That, I feel like cheating on you by being with him. I don’t feel like home in his heart. It has been with you. It was always you.
Yesterday, I told him about you.
All my life, I was taught that human heart is fragile. So, I’ve been running away from people who could break it and also from those who didn’t want to. The problem with me is, I can’t stay.
It was Christmas. The streets basked in the glory of starry lights, illuminating the face of even the saddest person in the crowd. People were screaming, dancing merrily, singing despite the loud music and then, it was you. Standing besides me, wearing a black hoodie, your smile eclipsing even the Christmas lights.
I thought about all the times when I had protected my heart from breaking. I thought about all the people, I ran away from. Lastly, I thought about you. Suddenly, I realised that I was not longer running. Finally, I had learned to stay.
All those letters, I wanted to send you, now rest peacefully inside the four walls of my cupboard. I don’t wish to send them. Because, the girl that penned those sad words down, is not there anymore.
I am not that girl, who would constantly look at the phone in case you text me or something like that.
I am not that girl, who would sit at the park bench and sulk at the happiness around.
I am not that girl, who would spend sleepless nights thinking about what could have possibly went wrong.
I am not that girl anymore.
I am that girl, who believes that some things in this world doesn’t stay forever, it has to end someday. Even the pain.
I am that girl, who believes that to survive here you don’t need anybody else to love you. You can be your own lover too.
I am that girl, who believes that if it didn’t work out with you, maybe it will work with someone more better.
Don’t give me promises. Through the years, I’ve learnt that promises are the most vulnerable things in the world. They can be easily broken, like you break a twig. And, I don’t want them anymore. I’ve had enough. Instead, show me. Show me, that you love. Show me, that you really care. Show me, that the brightest places of mine doesn’t make you insecure or my darkest sides doesn’t make you feel like walking away. But don’t promise me anything. Because, life isn’t just a fairy tale with everything perfect and I, darling, believe in actions.
Some people don’t really go away from our lives. One moment, you think they you are finally over them and the next moment, as you look out of the window on a chilly winter night, a cool breeze brushes past of your face, fleeting all those memories together. You end up in a place, from where you are always trying to escape. The truth is they never went. They were always there, somewhere curled up inside you, fading away in the summer mornings and coming back with the winter breeze, again and again.