Cynefin

The inextricable knots of my life are kind of unraveling, since the day I met you. I no longer feel weak at any part of my body, instead I am gaining strength from the very same pain.

It’s like, I have finally found a secret hallway leading my way out from the past into the present and a bright future. Maybe, that’s because you were as broken as I was.

Being with a person who endured a similar pain, gives you a sense of belongingness. You know that if no one doesn’t, this person is always going to understand the kind of struggles you go through.

You! You are my cynefin. And it’s beautiful, when two wounded souls help each other to find the lost pieces of this puzzling and messed up life.

Cynefin: (Welsh) A place where a person or an animal feels it ought to live and belong; it is where the nature around you feels right and welcoming.

Never letting you go

“You can’t let me go”, she said in her soft, mellow voice and tears in her eyes. I stood in front of the window, frozen and stoic, but my ears could clearly hear her whispering sobs as she cried.

There was a wave of deathly silence in the air and between us, hurting the ears. Minutes later, the door banged and she was gone. Outside, the sun sank into darkness and the russet sky was slowly turning into grey.

Suddenly, my mind shifted back to the day when I saw her for the first time. She had unbridled hair, wore out of fashion clothes but had a heart-warming smile. She laughed unabashedly, not caring of what others might think about her.

She was a girl with the heart of gold who knew nothing but love and kindness. A girl who would always appreciate even your flaws and never make you feel bad about them. That girl, she was gone.

I let her go. The one person, who I love more than anything in this world. I let go that person, who loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. At that moment, I realised what I had lost. I lost a star.

A car shrieked outside and I woke up hurriedly, realising that I had been sleeping. Somebody opened the door. It was her, with her ever beaming smile.

“Honey, did I disturb you?”, she asked and I quickly stood up to hug her tight. She was startled with my sudden showing of love, but gave up anyway. And I could only whisper, “I love you. I am never letting you go”.

Image: Silver Linings Playbook

The kind of person

I am the kind of person who always put the lives of others ahead of mine. Later, I would also get dejected when they don’t do it for me the same way.

I am a friend, who moves heaven and earth for those near to my heart. The same heart, also gets shattered into thousands of pieces at the sight of seeing them getting more close to someone else.

I hate myself for smiling, laughing till my stomach hurts when all I wanted was to sit somewhere, silently in solitude.

I am the friend, who people seek when they yearn for company but walk away when they find someone better.

I am the friend who always listens, solve problems and comfort those in distress. But as I began to speak, my words fall on deaf ears.

But now I feel, I am done being this person. For once, I’ll try loving myself more than I’ve loved someone.

I’ll try to put my life before anyone else. Maybe, that’s the kind of person, I am meant to be.

To the one who never said sorry

I used to spent my days sulking over the fact that despite of being the cause of my sadness, you never dared to utter a simple ‘sorry’. It was always easy for you but for me, every minute was like a torture in hell.

I was never able to digest your happiness and cursed my fate for days like these. I hated every single thing about you. My heart was always burning in the volcano of anger. They were volcanoes.

But I also realised that, how all these things made me the most unhappy person in the world. This was killing me but I won’t let it happen. Because, you still didn’t care enough. My dreams, feelings, tears nothing mattered to you.

So, I decided to let go. I let go off my hatred for you. I let go off the fire of anger and disappointment and I was no longer going to curse my fate for you. Because my soul, deserved peace.

I have decided to step down and move on. But stepping down doesn’t mean that I lost anything, instead I found everything that I was always looking for. I was able to look around for people who really mattered to me and you were not the one. Anymore.

To the one who was never sorry, I forgive you.

Rocks

 

You will never be enough for this world. People will always try to mould you into something, what they desire. They will leave no stone unturn and propell you to give up your identity.

But they don’t know that, there lies the fiercest soul in the garb of a mellow person. They don’t know that you have been through much greater obstacles than this.

They have no idea, as to how you have managed to free yourself from the shackles of the most inextricable knots of your life.

They don’t know that you are the rocks on the sea shore. Rocks that get hit by the majestic waves. But always strong enough to be hit by the another one.

Pride

The day you left was like a apocalypse waiting to happen for a long, long time.

My entire world came crumbling down, the moment you said goodbye.

As you left, a part of me also went along with you.

I craved, not for that part but for you.

But, I don’t regret letting you go.

You wanted to change my individual existence. You wanted to crush my identity, that I had established after eons and eons of toiling. And this, wasn’t possible.

I know, only magic can help me to forget all your memory.

But one thing that I could be always proud of is, I don’t regret letting you go.

Exuberance

As the sun sank down the horizon, the sky was spanned with multi-colours of orange and red. The clouds kept floating away from me, as if it’s their time to go home too.

A wave of balmy air brushed past my face, and all the bad memories of day just faded away. The dazzling light of the day, made way for a starry night. I stood below the blue-black sky oggling at the sheer brilliance of the full moon.

I’d never felt so positive ever in my life, like I did at that moment. The day had bought me dismality and gloominess but the night made it all right. I felt my feet dangling in the air and I was flying. Flying higher and higher.

Shadows.

You wished to abandon this life, 

A life lived under the shadows,

In the shadows of someone else,

They say, you got nothing.

Yes, heartbreaking it is to hear,

You lived a life,

That was a fallacy,

Dreams made of glass.

But, you know what,

They are the shadows,

Shadows that demotivate,

Shadows that pluck you, before you could blossom.

Shadows that pull you down, before you could fly

At that moment, you should think of nothing

But to prove them wrong, who wronged you.

Your dreams aren’t made of glass, but diamonds.

Those shadows can’t break them.

One thing that the shadows can’t do. 

Stay

Stay, for the countless moments we had created together

For the many hurdles that we had battled past triumphantly

For the empty mornings and the prickling nights

For the graceful springs and the hopeful rains

Stay, because there’s nothing more beautiful than to love and to be loved back. 

Stay, because like seasons, circumstances change

Stay, because I want you to.

One day

One day, your scars would split wide open, bringing back to life those hurtful instances. No, you won’t be fuming with anger or your face turning red in embarrassment. Those scars will be a proof of your sheer courage and newfound existence. 

One day, the people who mocked you for your fate will hang their heads in shame. It won’t be yours, but their disgrace. 

One day, when the memories of the past would try to haunt you again, you won’t hide your face with fear. Instead, you won’t feel anything. That’s my dear, will be your victory.

One day, you are gonna meet someone, genuine. Someone who respects you for the person you are. 

Till then, be your own bedrock. Be your own companion. Believe that, all the beautiful things in this world awaits you. Having a little patience never really killed anybody.