Cynefin

The inextricable knots of my life are kind of unraveling, since the day I met you. I no longer feel weak at any part of my body, instead I am gaining strength from the very same pain.

It’s like, I have finally found a secret hallway leading my way out from the past into the present and a bright future. Maybe, that’s because you were as broken as I was.

Being with a person who endured a similar pain, gives you a sense of belongingness. You know that if no one doesn’t, this person is always going to understand the kind of struggles you go through.

You! You are my cynefin. And it’s beautiful, when two wounded souls help each other to find the lost pieces of this puzzling and messed up life.

Cynefin: (Welsh) A place where a person or an animal feels it ought to live and belong; it is where the nature around you feels right and welcoming.

Never letting you go

“You can’t let me go”, she said in her soft, mellow voice and tears in her eyes. I stood in front of the window, frozen and stoic, but my ears could clearly hear her whispering sobs as she cried.

There was a wave of deathly silence in the air and between us, hurting the ears. Minutes later, the door banged and she was gone. Outside, the sun sank into darkness and the russet sky was slowly turning into grey.

Suddenly, my mind shifted back to the day when I saw her for the first time. She had unbridled hair, wore out of fashion clothes but had a heart-warming smile. She laughed unabashedly, not caring of what others might think about her.

She was a girl with the heart of gold who knew nothing but love and kindness. A girl who would always appreciate even your flaws and never make you feel bad about them. That girl, she was gone.

I let her go. The one person, who I love more than anything in this world. I let go that person, who loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. At that moment, I realised what I had lost. I lost a star.

A car shrieked outside and I woke up hurriedly, realising that I had been sleeping. Somebody opened the door. It was her, with her ever beaming smile.

“Honey, did I disturb you?”, she asked and I quickly stood up to hug her tight. She was startled with my sudden showing of love, but gave up anyway. And I could only whisper, “I love you. I am never letting you go”.

Image: Silver Linings Playbook

Stay

Stay, for the countless moments we had created together

For the many hurdles that we had battled past triumphantly

For the empty mornings and the prickling nights

For the graceful springs and the hopeful rains

Stay, because there’s nothing more beautiful than to love and to be loved back. 

Stay, because like seasons, circumstances change

Stay, because I want you to.

The daughter you loved.

You had once said, that as you held my tiny hands, every pain, the sorrows and regrets faded away.

You had once said, that I look like an angel, creating magic with my ever-calming smile.

You had once said, that you cried like a child, seeing me in a school uniform for the first time. For you never wanted me grow up and forever stay as your little princess.

You had once said, that my husband didn’t loved me enough. As no other man could ever love me more than you do.

You had once said, you want to meet me in the next birth too. Not much to your surprise, I wanted the same.

And today Dad,

How could you just forget, what you had once said?

Is it not hurting for you to lose the daughter, you have loved the whole life?

For me, it hurts Dad!

It feels like, needles piercing me every hour. 

I break into million pieces every day, when you refuse to recognize me.

Every tear from my eyes, pleads you. Pleads you to call my name, at least once. Pleads you to reminisce the moments and memories, that we had held so dear.

Dad,

Why you seem so far from all of us and me, despite being so close?

Alzheimer’s is dreadful, for the person who just forgot the memories of his long life. Isn’t it saddening to learn that you don’t remember the days of your life? A life, where you always strived harder to make it memorable. A life, that’s not only made of your sweat and blood but with the people you have always loved. It’s heartbreaking for people whose parents don’t remember them. We lose our mind, if our one day out of the blue, our best friend ceases to talk with us. Imagine the plight the sons, daughters who lose their life, their parents to this disease.

Irresistible

There is something about the way you talk. Your husky masculine voice bewitches and comforts me. Your words glide through my ears and pull every strings of my melting heart.

There is something about the way you walk. Your athletic body always makes me go weak in my knees. 

There is something about the way you smile. Watching your soft lips take a curve is the most captivating thing to be ever seen by me. Every time you smile, I fall for you, harder.

There is something about the way you hold me. Whenever you entwine your velvety hands around my waist, it sends a quiver through my every vein.

There is something about the way you sleep. When you close your deep brown eyes, resting your head on the pillow, my heart races faster seeing you that way. While asleep, you still look beautiful and perfect.

All this makes you just so irresistible!

 

Walls

You love me, as if I am the only human being on this planet. 

You care for me, as if I am a rare flower blossoming with immaculate shades and ethereal petals. 

Your enchanting voice keeps ringing in my ears all day long and your twinkling eyes throw light on my gloomy world.

you are the dawn to my dusk

you are the healing to my pain

you are the spring to my rain

Some people are destined to save us whenever we fall, for me, that’s you.

Some people are like the trail of light entering a dark room through the small opening of a window, for me, that’s you.

Some people are meant to stay forever, and for me, that’s you.

But still, I have built a majestic invisible wall between us which stands firm. The closer you come, the more I carve stones in the wall. Because, everything seems so magical to be true. And this scares me like hell.

I fear that, this is just a consequence of some kind of magic created by God and soon its effect is bound to get over. 

I fear that, one day I’ll wake up and realise, it was just a dream. 

I fear, I don’t believe that a person like you really exists. But I believe, you are an angel.

This wall between us keeps me protected from all kinds of fears.

The fear of being lost, once again.

The fear of breaking into pieces, once again.

The fear of losing you, for ever!

Crestfallen

He was over-joyed, ecstatic, jumped exuberantly and lifted her in his arms, spinning over again and again. She couldn’t stop herself from joining him in this euphoria and roared into fits of laughter till their stomach began to ache.

They were finally exhausted and put a brake to their sudden madness. But at heart, they were beaming with happiness and eyes filled with hopeful tears. They embraced each other so tightly, as if there was no tomorrow.

Those days were one of the best ones of their life, spending every hour with each other, loving like no one else. Together, they have crossed massive mountains, lived through violent storms and survived every turbulence. She was his living proof and he was her strength.

Suddenly one day, she was rushed to the hospital due to some emergency. Panicking and extremely worried, he left for the hospital from office. He wanted to be by her side, holding her hands. In the car, he was constantly praying for the well-being of the love of his life, his companion and soulmate.

Reaching the hospital entrance, he accidentally hit a board on the way. But, this was not enough to deter him to move ahead. Few minutes later, he was hopefully there by her side. He held her hands tightly, never to let go.

Deep inside his mind he was fighting a wholly different battle. He was numb, like dead. A trail of tear moved down his cheek, as he tried to gather all his lost courage to give the news to his wife. His lovely wife, whom he has cared and loved for ten years. But according to them, they have loved each other for the whole life.

And now he was suppose to break her heart with that revelation. That would devastate her beyond his imagination. About her miscarriage, for the third time.

Tales of a dreamer #13

The Final Tale

TODAY, 22/04/2017

It has been a year and my writings are being printed almost every month in the magazine. Actually, it has become more of a mandatory thing. And the appreciation and encouragement from my fellow students, friends, the professors are increasing day- by- day. 

Some also say that the protagonist in my poems and stories are always determined, tenacious, courageous, resilient and strong-headed. Some also find inspiration from my characters. Writing, which was my way of escaping from reality, was now teaching me to live life.

My senior friend completed his third and last year at the college. He has already left to seek admissions in one of the prestigious universities away from home and me. 

I felt bad about this but realised that it would be best for him. That’s what friends are for me, to be supportive and motivating. I still have a year to complete and after having walked hand-in-hand with him, now it was time to find my own way. 

You must be thinking, that did I fell in love with him? How can anyone not fall in love with the person who constantly stays by your side through thick and this, someone who helps you to find the correct path, someone who becomes your bedrock and shield. 

I doubted, whether I would be ever able to find another best friend again? I am glad to finally get one. This year on Mother’s Day, I didn’t write any letter to my mom, instead I tore all the earlier ones. 

I went straightaway to my mom and told her all those things which I always wanted to. I told her that, she was the most beautiful person in this world, that she is my only precious gem and that I love her more than myself and anyone else. 

Saying those words, I hugged her tight. I felt like the burden of hundreds of rocks was finally relieved from my shoulders. To Dad, I just smiled. I think there was nothing more left between us. Some things would never change.

I cannot bring back all the years from my past but regretting over them will only lessen the happiness of the present and future. I realised that it was always easy to at least try to overcome the obstacles, instead of just bragging about them.

 I realised that it was not impossible to triumph over your fears and insecurities. I also realised that people who genuinely love and care about you, would always be there by your side. And the most important thing, only you are responsible for your happiness and no one else.

I looked up at the sky and saw the cotton-like clouds flowing gently along with the cool breeze. That slight golden sparkle of the sun glistening through the tiny pores of the white clouds and the sight of the birds flying their way back home in a perfect rhythm and sync, was marvelling. The swaying wind brushed past my face, making my hair dance to their mellifluous music. 

A wave of sheer tranquillity passed throughout my entire body. I closed my eyes in calmness and hoped that this continues for ever. That’s when I realised, what it actually feels like to live every moment without letting your inner enemy steal it away from you.

Wait, this is not the end. This is a beginning.

It’s the beginning of everything bright and beautiful!

Life is all about falling hard and rising again, stronger than ever!

Tales of a dreamer #9

Something unexpected!

A few years ago, I penned down a letter to my Mom on Mother’s Day. I wrote that she was the most beautiful woman on this earth, that she was my only precious gem, that I loved her more than I myself and anybody else. Unfortunately, I confined these on a blank page and tucked it in my poetry box. After that, I wrote many letters but never gave them to her. But after finishing every one of them, I would feel like running across the whole room, find her and hand over the letter.

The thing is, I always found it difficult to express my emotions openly to someone. This was something, that I was never proud of. 

Even my Dad was always apprehensive of expressing his feelings. He would always try to suppress and hide them from us. I never heard him say anything loving to me or caressing my back with care and affection. Or at least try to take interest in my life.

And the most important of all, I was turning into my Dad. That’s the last thing in this world that I would ever want to become. Not even the last! It was kind of scary that running from Dad the whole life actually made me more like him.

And this is the reason why I never loved him like a daughter should.  My Dad could never become my hero nor I could be his princess.  Honestly, I would be hurt everyday and always wished to go far away from him so that I don’t have to pretend things.

One day in college, I was stunned by something very unexpected. My senior friend made a surprising revelation. He confessed about having being suffered from anxiety in the past. At first, my heart fully went out to him. But later he said something that totally annoyed me.

He said that when he saw me at the stairs terrified, he wanted me to help out of this thing. He added that he finds me a little insecure and inferior when it came to dealing with other people.

Oh my God! He felt rueful for me. He befriended me because he thought, I need help. I felt like betrayal and a pang of anger hit on my head. That was disgusting.

I stormed out, furiously.

To be continued…



Tales of a dreamer #3

Unmemorable childhood 

It’s funny how people always say that they want to relive their childhood, that they want to open all the doors the moments of a joyous and fulfilling days when they were kids. 

Honestly, I never felt so. This absolutely does not put me into the categories of sad people. Maybe, this has to do something with my troubled childhood. Yes. It was terrible. 

You want to grow up in an atmosphere where your parents not only love but have a profound respect for each other. Wherever you look around the house, you would only find oneness and coziness. Where the house is not merely a place where people live, but where they would cherish each and every moment. That’s what you want. 

Well, I didn’t have those heavenly pleasures. Instead there were only senseless arguments and hatred among the family. I was surrounded by a bunch of people, who didn’t want to live under the same roof. 

Where was I? I was just a silent spectator, trying hard to not let my tears flow copiously. The good news is that, I always succeeded. I grew up with just locking my door tight, snuggling beneath my blanket and shutting my eyes. However, I always found my pillow cases wet in the morning. 

By the time,I was 18 the relationship between me and my father was already strained. And the animosity towards him only keeps increasing with every passing day. 

At last, even I became one of them.

To be continued…